I didn't ask for your Sympathy
Updated: Feb 7, 2024
After Brene Brown, from her RSA talk 'The Power of Vulnerability' - see links at bottom of page
There's a huge, yet subtle difference between sympathy and empathy. I want your empathy. I don't want your sympathy.
Sympathy, or, to give it its real, dirtier name, pity, is an unwanted gift. A gift that you give me, that I didn't ask for, and one I don't want.
But it's worse than that just a superfluous, unwanted present. Your pity is not benign. Rather, it's a malignant force in my life. It isn't neutral. It doesn't make me better.
It makes me worse.
When you give your pity to me, when you look down on me, you make me feel even smaller, even lower, than I already am. Your vaulted, "I'm OK" position, only acts to reinforce the already very-well known experience of my "I'm not OK" position - it acts to highlight the discrepancy between our relative positions - you up, and me down. You above, me below.
I don't want your pity present.
I don't want answers.
I don't want you to fix me.
Don't tell me it will all be OK.
Don't lie to me.
Don't make me promises you can't keep.
I'm not asking for any of that. I'm asking for something much, much less. Something smaller, quieter, something much less grandiose and modest. I don't want you to save me.
I just want you to listen to me. I just want to be heard. I just want you to acknowledge my pain, my anguish and my suffering as my truths.
With vs. For
Not sure what I mean? Try this simple test;
Are you with me, or are you for me?
Do you have empathy with me? Or do you feel sorry for me?
Are you laughing with me? Or are you laughing at me?
Are you talking with me? Or are you talking at me?
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