Waiting or Limbo

I don't want to kill myself

but

I don't wanna be here either.

I don't want to carry on living like this

because this isn't living

this isn't a life

It's the opposite, a living death

I am numb

Just waiting

I'm just waiting for something to change

Just waiting to feel something

I feel trapped

I feel trapped in my life

I want to not exist

I want to not be in existence anymore

But I don't want to hurt the people around me

I don't want to hurt the people that I love

and the people that love me.

I'm staying, hanging on, not for me, but for them.

I've thought about it on a very practical level

not really how I'd do it so much,

more when to do it

When's the best time to kill yourself?

What's the most suitable, appropriate time to take your own life?

Is it a weekend, is that better?

I can't do it now because it's my brother's birthday on Monday,

and my parent's are going on holiday

So I wouldn't want to ruin their holiday with my suicide - or his birthday

So I'd better wait a little bit

Wait until they're back

But what about C?

I don't imagine there's a good time for him

Should I wait until he's gone out? Or gone away?

...

Imagine coming home to that

How could I do that to the person I love?

How could I do that?

How could I take my life, and at the time time, ruin theirs?

Leave them with that legacy

So I'm trapped

I'm just trapped here, in limbo

Waiting

Just waiting for something to change.

Saturday 3rd February 2024