Diagrams

It's a bit like that game show Catchphrase - where the panels are revealed, 1 by 1, until the full picture is seen and understood. But there's a point, during this process, where only parts (facets) are seen - and if people only see these parts, their brain fills in the gaps. They might build up a completely incorrect (false) picture.

Merging of my 2 selves – is it possible? Can I do it? For too long now, I’ve lived two separate lives – the OK, up person, and the not OK, down person. For so long now, I’ve kept them apart, at arm’s length. Like two positively charged magnets, repelling each other, never being allowed to touch. And it’s ripping me apart. Can I begin to knock holes through the impenetrable wall that exists between these two parts of me, make it porous?

I always thought of my depressive bouts as a bad thing. Of course I did. You would, wouldn’t you? But I’ve realised I had it all backwards. My depression is a handbrake, a great big sign on the motorway screaming at me, ‘you’re on the wrong road, stop now, turn back’. The body will always find a way to tell you something is wrong – and it won’t give up until you listen to it. So I’m listening now. I’ve turned around, I’m heading back. I want to get onto the right path.

Not waving, but drowning. I don’t think I ever stopped to think, who am I doing this all for? Why am I so well behaved, so fucking compliant? Why do I always feel the need to please, to do well, to be praised? If I stop trying so hard, if I stop pleasing you – what then? Will you stop loving me? Will you reject me? We are taught to build our sense of self worth on our productivity and our usefulness. Just simply being ourselves? Not enough.

I don’t want to only feel good when you’re not, me up, you down. Nor do I want for you to look down upon me, your superiority, your sympathy – your pity. I want equality. I want fairness. I want you to recognise my inherent OK-ness, and for me to see yours, too. I want to feel respected, listened to, heard. And I will strive to listen to you, too.

Why am I doing this? Putting myself through so much pain, so much suffering? I have a belief (a hope?) that there is a better life for me – a life full of meaning, quite literally a meaning-full life. And guess what? It won’t be easy to get to it. It’s going to involve so much hard work, so much pain, so much discomfort. Home truths they call them, don’t they? To get to that higher plain, I’m going to have to wade through some dark shit. In order to find my true self, I’m going to have to first lose my (false) self.

The Kubler-Ross Grief Cyle Model. I was struck by how closely this model, with its 5 broad stages (shock & denial, anger, depression & detachment, dialogue & bargaining, acceptance) matches my own Meaning-full Life Model. When you’re down in that deep, dark pit, believe me, you need to believe (not know, there’s no knowing down there, only doubts) that there is light ahead and above.

What is life without hope?

One of the most empowering feelings is when we manage to turn what we thought was a negative, into a positive. For such a long time I thought I was the weak one, the troubled one, the ill one. I am now beginning to realise the scale of the task I am undertaking – no less than breaking a seemingly endless chain of generational trauma and emotional repression. The individual who stands up, speaks out and says no. Enough. This stops with me. It flies in the face of everything we are taught from year dot. So that’s it. That’s what bravery looks like.  

Words matter. Allow me to explain. Do you feel sorry for me? Or do you have empathy with me? Are you talking with me, or at me? Are you laughing with me, or at me? 

When you’re with me, you’re on the same side of the wall. We’re in this together. You’re on my side, on my team. You get me. You’re not afraid to say, ‘yes, I understand. I know how that feels’. You know (or at least, can appreciate) how this feels – and you want to be right there next to me. 

When you’re at me/for me, you are not with me. You are separate. Worse than that, you are in opposition – you’re facing me across the table, with a very real barrier between us. Your words, your actions make it very clear – we are not on the same side. My problems are very much my problems, and you don’t want infected with them.