Toxic Soup

The thing that's happening, the current process, is that the deep pool of guilt - my guilt, and my parent's guilt (combined) that's built up inside of me over many, many years, has never been released - it's never been allowed to come to the surface and to be expressed for what it is.

So what happens over time? That toxic soup of guilt turns into something else, it turns into anger. And it turns into hate. And it turns into rage. It becomes more toxic. It gets thicker, and stronger, and more radioactive and more deadly, and it's never allowed to vent, it's never allowed to come out. It's kept deep down, hidden under the surface where no one can see it - it can't be seen, so no one knows it's there, not even me.

What happens, is that that guilt-rage soup, that pool of deadly soup builds up and up and up, and the pressure builds up over time. And that pressure has to be relieved somehow, and it comes out in different ways. It comes out, it must be expressed. It comes out in bouts of depression, and it comes out in occasional bouts of anger and screaming fits and frustrations.

What's happening now - what's beginning to happen, is that I am beginning to (not break down) but dissect elements of the false self - discarding. Discarding those parts that don't belong to me. And allowing elements of the true self to come to the fore, to be shown, to be made visible, to manifest. And what that's doing is, it's opening up vents and fissures - it's allowing that pressure to be vented. Venting is a controlled process - it's not uncontrollable. And that venting, that controlled venting, allows that pressure to be released, that energy to be released, in a more organic manner. Controlled in a positive sense. It still can be messy, it still can be messy and unpleasant - because it's still radioactive shit, it's still crap that's coming out.

But what happens is that when you remove that crap at these regular intervals, you begin to relieve the pressure, and you start to actually let some of that radioactive muck that's been down there for decades, you start to let some of it out.

keywords; rage, anger, hate, radioactive, geology, volcano, toxic, magma, pressure, tectonic, shifting, deep, within, layers, layering, splitting, opening, venting