Codependence - The Neurosis of our Time

From Healing the Child Within (audiobook) Chapter 7, from 8 minutes in

Codependence - the neurosis of our time

Co-dependence is a disease of lost self-hood in a viscous cycle, it's a condition that stifles our true self - our child within.

We can begin to define co-dependance as any suffering and/or dysfunction that is associated with, or results from, focusing on the needs and behaviour of others.

Co-dependents become so focused upon or preoccupied with important people in their lives, that they neglect their true self. As Anne Wilson Schaef (1986) says in her book, Codependence, it leads to a process of non-living - which is progressive.

Endemic in ordinary humankind, co-dependency can mimic, be associated with, and aggravate many conditions.

It develops from turning our responsibility for our life and happiness over to our false self ego, and to other people.

Here are some definitions of co-dependence;

1. An exaggerated, dependent patter of learned behaviours, beliefs and feelings that make life painful. It is a dependence on people and things outside of the self, along with neglect of the self, to the point of having little self identity (Smalley)
   

2. Preoccupation and extreme dependence, emotionally socially and sometimes physically on a person or object. Eventually this dependence on anther people becomes a pathological condition that affects the codependent in all other relationships. If the person grew up within an emotionally repressed family. (Wigscheider, Cruise, 1985)
   

3. Ill health, maladaptive or problematic behaviour that is associated with living with, working with, or otherwise being close to, a person with alcoholism, other chemical dependence, or other chronic impairment. It affects not just individuals, but also families, communities, businesses and other institutions - and even whole societies.
   

4. An emotional, psychological and behavioural pattern of coping that develops as a result of an individual's exposure to and practice of, a set of oppressive rules, Rules which prevent the open expression of feeling, as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems (Subby, 1984)
   

5. A disease that has many forms and expressions, and that grows out of the disease process that I call the addictive process. The AP is an unhealthy and abnormal disease process whose assumptions, beliefs, behaviours and lack of spiritual awareness lead to a process of non living, which is progressive (Schaef, 1986)

Development of Codependence

The genesis of codependence begins by the repression of our observations, feelings and reactions. Others, often our parents, and eventually we, begin to invalidate these, our often crucial internal cues.

Usually early in this process we begin to deny a family secret. Because we focus so much on the needs of others, we begin to neglect our own needs. And by doing so, we stifle our child within. But we still have feelings, often of hurt. Since we continue to stuff our feelings, we begin to become increasingly tolerant of emotional pain. We often become numb. And because we stuff our feelings, we are unable to grieve our everyday losses to completion.

All of the previous blocks our growth and development in the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of our being. But we have a desire to contact and know our true self.

We learn that quick fixes such as compulsive behaviours will allow us to glimpse our true selves and let off some of the tension. However, if the compulsive behaviour is destructive to us or to others, we may feel shame, resulting in even lower self esteem.

THE SHAME SPIRAL

At this point we may begin to feel more and more out of control, and we try to compensate by the need to control even more. We may end up deluded and hurt, and often project our pain onto others.

Our tension has now built to such an extent that we may develop stress related illness, manifested by aches and pains and often by dysfunction of one or more body organs. We are now in an advanced state of codepedence and may progressively deteriorate so that we experience one or more extreme mood swings, difficulty with intimate relationships, and chronic unhappiness.