Doing the 'Bad Thing'

Dec 3, 2023

2 min read

I need to learn that I can do the bad thing, and 'get away with it'.

I can do the bad thing, and I won't be hated, or disliked, or punished for it.

Or that if I am hated, or disliked, or punished for it, that's ok. That's survivable. It won't destroy me.

I've always done the good things, because that means they will love me, they won't reject me.

But it wasn't me they loved - not really. It was the other me.

So.

What happens now when I do the bad thing?

Do I dare to risk it, to risk the repercussions?

Can I afford not to do it?

Let's try it.

Let's see what happens.

Let's stop being the good boy - it was never me, anyway.

Like a snake, shedding the skin of the false self.

I need to show the real me.

The disappointing me.

I've always been the good boy, always wanting to impress, not get into trouble, not cause a scene, not wanting to disappoint.

But where's that got me?

It's got me to here, to this recurring depression, this sense of emptiness in life, this anehedonia.

So, I obviously need to make a change.

What if I, instead of doing the good thing, do the bad thing?

What if I, do all the things that I not used to doing?

Disappointing people

Letting people down

Doing an average piece of work

Just, being a bit crap.

What if I just lean into all those things that make me horribly uncomfortable?

What will happen, how will I feel.

I think I know how I'll feel, I have a hypothesis - that I'll feel crap, like I've done a half-arsed job, like I've been disappointing.

But, I don't know actually how I'll feel, 'cos I've never really tried it.

I've never done this before, I've never done this experiment before

So maybe my hypothesis is wrong?

So, I'm gonna try and do it.

I'm gonna attempt to just be a bit rubbish.

I'm gonna attempt to be the disappointing person that I am deep inside.

I'm not gonna respond to those messages, I'm not gonna reply to that email.

I'm not gonna do what that other person expects me to do.

Because that's not the real me. The real me is disappointing. So I'm gonna try to be the real me.

Let's see what happens.

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