Contra - dictions or Dichotomies

Right now, I feel very sad, I feel very down

I feel hopeless

I've been trying to do the right things

Writing in my little book

I've been trying to get up

I've been exercising

I've not been out in the sun as much as I should be, I know that

But when I do it's just depressing, and dirty, and ugly

And I don't get any joy from going out there

This joy that I'm waiting for is not immediate - I have to put in the work now in the hope, faith, belief that it will pay off at some unknown date in the future.

But right now, that feels like a really big ask, because the way my brain is feeling right now, I don't have any hope that date will come.

And will it come in a month, or three months, or a year, or 2 years?

Or will it just never come.

I don't know.

So that's how I'm feeling right now.

At my last therapy session my therapist talked about part of the journey of coming to terms with having Narcissistic traits is dealing with this contradictions that life throws at us.

For the Narcissistic trait and for me, these contradictions involve the ideas of;

the gradiose and the ordinary

the gifted and the ordinary

How someone can be both gifted and incredible, and talented and wonderful

and at the same time, utterly, utterly ordinary

Probably best summed up in the statement 'Everybody's Special' - if everybody's special then nobody is.

I guess it means everybody's special in different ways, I suppose?

But right now I am really struggling to understand that contradiction, or how to process that contradiction.

How can I be both?

Kind of like being bipolar

How can I be both ordinary and wonderful at the same time.

I guess it's like these other dichotomies and contradictions I've written down in my book;

The true and false self

The on/off self

The body and the mind

The body and the soul

It's trying to merge these 2 selves, merge these 2 parts, merge these different parts of my being, of my character, that I've kept apart, unknowingly, for such a long time.

Merging together both the talented and the create

and the boring, dull and disappointing

How do I merge those different states together?

How can I be both wonderful and also really really disappointing?

I've got no fucking idea.

Sunday 28th January 2024